Finding Friends: How Parents and Providers Can Help

Temperament, Interests Should Match

Many kids make friends easily and need no adult assistance in finding pals and going on play dates. Other children may need some gentle guidance and encouragement from parents and child care providers to match up with a peer. After all, finding and keeping friends often requires practice, and it doesn't always come naturally. Here are ways you can help:

• Encourage quality over quantity in friends. While kids may sometimes feel a need to compete in "how many friends" they have, encourage a child to look for a friend who can share in interests and actions. While outgoing kids may have lots of kids they call friends, quiet or shy children may have one or two, but often very close, friends they enjoy time with.



• Consider a child's personality when encouraging friendships. While it is true that opposites can attract, usually that's not the case with youngsters learning how to be good friends. If your child is extremely energetic and athletic, chances are he'll be better suited with a similar temperament rather than one who likes to draw or is very quiet.



• If you initiate a play date, keep it to one child only. Most parents and child care providers agree that even numbers work best with play dates, and two kids often are the best formula for success ... especially if it is early in a friendship. If you invite two kids, the outcome is often that one child feels left out. If a neighbor comes over to play while your child's play date is over, ask that kid to come back over another time. Your child and her budding friend need time to practice social skills and how to become buddies.



• Consider structured activity time to encourage social play. Since many kids don't really know how to be a good friend, play dates can sometimes turn into two kids playing independently. Plan an art project, a game of backyard basketball, a run through the sprinklers outside, or a hot dog cookout ... it's not what it is so much as it being a fun activity they do together.



• Keep a play date short and sweet. Some parents err in encouraging friendships by having a friend come over at the house for too long of a time. When kids get tired and cranky, spats can occur that will can hurt the chances of a successful friendship forming. Frequency of play, rather than time of each outing, is an optimal way to build a strong friendship.



• Involve your child's provider/teacher in fostering friendships. Ask the caregiver for buddy placements or other ways to engage kids to play together.



• Tap into enrichment activities for potential friends. Some long-term friendships have formed by simply being in the same dance class or soccer team together. Watch who your child seems to talk with, and then seek out that child's parents and introduce yourself. If things seem like they are going well, you can always start with meeting at a kid-friendly lunch spot before or after the shared activity.



• Accept that some friendships may not bloom or quickly fade. Despite your very best intent and effort, kids may not sync together for reasons only they understand. Don't become discouraged or say anything to your child to make him feel bad or guilty; instead, look for another friendship to help foster.